The Excellent Wife, chapter nineteen

Let me start with a quote that sort of sets the stage for the chapter. "For example, a wife who keeps thinking 'I just know something horrible is going to happen!' can become completely panicked over absolutely nothing."

This chapter was titled "The Wife's Fear...Overcoming Anxiety". I got a lot out of this chapter. Personally, I do not consider myself fearful, or overly worried. I've never suffered a panic attack. However, I have a few friends who do battle these feelings, and reading through the chapter definitely gave me more empathy and understanding for what some people deal with.

First Peace laid out four Biblical Principles Concerning Fear.

1. Fear may keep us from fulfilling our God-given responsibilities- Some are so stricken with fear and worry, that even daily tasks do not get accomplished because they are all-consumed by their fear.

2. Fear may motivate a person to commit other sins- How many times have you told a lie because you were 'afraid' of what would happen if the truth were exposed?

3. Fear may motivate a person to deny the Lord Jesus and His Word- The classic example of this being Peter.

4. Fear may be of other men- "...so that we confidently say, 'The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid . What shall man do to me?" (Heb. 13:6)

Then she gave "Nine Solutions to Fear."

1. Do not be a man pleaser.- We women are so guilty of this. We can't say no. We have to keep so many plates spinning and try to keep everybody happy.

2. Remind yourself of God's Word.- Don't let the devil have a foothold in your thoughts. There are countless verses about God's peace, His safety. He is our hiding place and our shield.

3. Make wise decisions.- Stay out of worrisome snares.

4. Realize the power of God working within you.

5. Fear the Lord and delight in His commands.

6. Realize God is ever-present with you.- "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me." (Ps. 23:4)

7. Trust God to keep His Word.- He's the same yesterday, today and forever. Take comfort in his infinite strength.

8. Seek after the Lord when you are afraid.- Press into God. He will deliver you.

9. Overcome your fear with love.- Amazing things can happen when we take our eyes off of ourselves. "Fear is selfish. When you think about yourself, your fear escalates. This is so true that the actual reason for the worry does not even have to be real!"

We need to change are thoughts and begin to think on things that are true (Phil. 4:8). There are healthy ways to combat the concerns that we have. We can respond biblically. Fear does creep into our lives. Sometimes it's a minor feeling of uneasiness, but sometimes it escalates into a full-blown panic attack. If you struggle in this area, I'm certain you will gain something from buying this book if even to read this chapter.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with
thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God,
which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in
Chris Jesus. Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable,
whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good
repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let you mind
dwell on these things. Philippians 4:6-8

DiSalvatore Girls

The hospital has a tradition (much like other hospitals, I think) that when a new baby is born, the new Dad can push a special button and bells ring throughout the whole hospital announcing the new life. I think it plays Brahm's Lullaby. Anyway, Gabriella was born at 2 a.m. but Jonathan was so sweet and waited til later in the day when we first came to visit to push the button. He wanted Madison, the only girl DiSalvatore for the last 7 years, to be the one to ring in the 'new' DiSalvatore girl. I was so touched by the gesture and the forethought. And I'm sure you can imagine how special and important Madison felt to push the special button. It was very sweet of him.

Our New Niece

This morning (July 29th) at 2:05 am, Colombo's brother Jonathan and his wife Andrea welcomed their first child, a girl. Her name is Gabriella Marie. 7 lbs., 11.5 oz. - 21 in. She is quite possibly one of the the most beautiful newborns I've ever seen. Because Andrea had a c-section, Gabriella had no cone head, no swelling, no blotching....she's just perfect!!!

This makes 7 nieces and 0 nephews for us.

The Excellent Wife, chapter eighteen

In this chapter, author Martha Peace covered the subject, or more specifically, the sin of anger. She first explained that there are 3 types of anger talked about in the Bible, "raging anger", "outburst of anger", and "irritation". After the 1st page, I was slumped down in my chair thinking, "Oh no! This is going to be tough." I'll admit, I'm pretty proficient at getting my mad on and saying what I feel like saying regardless of my tone, countenance, or the hurt I'm causing.

I wouldn't say I have a 'problem' with anger (denial!), it's more like impatience or a short fuse. But in her eight 'Biblical Principles Concerning Anger', she explains that ALL anger begins in the heart. From there, sometimes the intensity can build from 'snapping' all the way to murder, but the seed is the same.

For a more comprehensive review of the chapter and her points therein, see Leslie's post.

What I REALLY liked about this chapter was the practical tools she put at the end, 'Biblical Steps to Change Character from Anger to Gentleness'.

• #1 Teaching -"Choose several Scriptures that seem especially relevant to you, meditate on them, and memorize them." Examples include James 1:19, 20, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Proverbs 16:32, and Proverbs 15:28. She suggests studying the principles, and going over the verses until you can recite them.
• #2 Reproof - "Ask others to hold you accountable and point it out to you when you seem angry or even slightly harsh. Keep an anger journal" to track your feelings and reactions and thoughts.
• #3 Correction - Now go back and rewrite your thoughts with biblical thoughts. "Do the same for angry words and actions. Remember to correct not only words, but also your tone of voice and your countenance. Practice out loud what you should have said. Confess each specific angry incident to God."
• #4 Training in Righteousness - "Think and act according to the Word of God repeatedly until the gentle and loving responses are your first thoughts instead of your afterthoughts." Practice, practice, practice.

This is so helpful. I can get angry, work a good mad up, and say things that even in mid-sentence I'm thinking, "Stop now. You're only doing damage." But my flesh has had plenty of practice with being irritated, snapping, spouting off, yelling, etc. I need to put into practice AHEAD OF TIME what my thoughts should be and what I should say. I need to get to the root of what's in my heart and change my thoughts. If I change what's in my heart, changing my words and countenance will come more easily.

Pool-side Fun

I LOVE the summer. I love the heat, the sun, no school, cook-outs, swimming, vacation, the lake, the boat, camping, break from kids' activities...it's just my favorite!!!

Jon and Annie's pool 2008

Saybrook Point Marina 2005

Adventure at the Laundromat

So, on Monday, my washer ceased to function properly. (For an added bonus, a certain 4-year-old had a little accident on my sheets that very morning.) By today (Thursday) the laundry was getting a little overwhelming. The $200 part (gasp!) is on order, so I went to Plan B...the dreaded laundromat. I shouldn't say dreaded. It's definitely a hassle, BUT you can do 12 loads at once and just be done with it, instead of spending 2 days working on it. So there are advantages. The 'dreaded' part comes in when you add 5 kids to the mix. C4 had his friend over last night, so that made 5.

I loaded children and laundry into the van. That was a feat in and of itself. At the laundromat, I unloaded everything only to discover that I can only use cash and I didn't have any. So me and the 5 kids cross 4 lanes of traffic -in the rain- to the convenient store across the street with an ATM.

I got all set up, laundry going, and realized the machines only took 22 minutes, so I waited there til they were done. Well the kids were just fascinated to watch the clothes and the suds and the spin cycle.

I switched everything to the dryers and loaded up to take the gang to the library. But wait! Five kids just isn't enough fun. So we stopped and picked up my niece so Madison would have a friend too. We made it out of library with only movies, which makes me feel so guilty, but I justified it in my head because of the rain.

Back at the laundromat, the kids were now growing weary. "Can I have 75 cents for a soda?" No. -"Can I have another mint?" Sure. -"Maddy already got to push the cart." Too bad. -"What's for lunch?" No more questions, ok? -"I only got one turn pushing the cart." -"Can I help you fold?" Yes. Today and for the rest of your life. "Never mind." -"I'm hungry." Have another mint.

Meanwhile, Trevor has grown tired of running up to the automatic door, watching it open, running out onto the sidewalk, watching me panic and retrieve him, repeat, repeat. He's also lost interest in pushing the carts around and nipping little old ladies' ankles. Now he's pulling out all of his clean shirts from what I've folded, requesting that I change his shirt, listening to me say no, throwing himself down in a fit, repeat, repeat.

BUT, a couple hours and $30 later, the laundry is totally done!

Cape Cod With Friends

Our good friends, Bob & Jules, invited us to the Cape for the weekend. We went with them last year (ironically on the same weekend), and were so grateful for another invitation.

It was wonderful to get away without the kids and enjoy the company, the quiet, the water, the sun. Colombo and I left Friday morning and had the day to ourselves. We ate lunch outside and then got ice cream at "The Chocolate Emporium"...how can you go wrong?! Then we hit the beach for a little siesta. I read a little of my book, but the nap took precedence. Afterwards, it was back into town. We had an amazing dinner and then headed to the house to meet up with Bob and Jules.

It was such a relaxing weekend. We sat and talked, laid by the pool, read, ate...you know, all the normal vacation-type stuff. Saturday night we went to a restaurant called "The Waterfront". We had a table on the back deck right on the water with a view of a marina. It was just incredible.

On Sunday we went to church, lunch overlooking the beach, and ice cream. We had a very refreshing time and appreciated the generous invitation and hospitality.

Maddy Loses a Tooth...Finally!

Madison has just been dying to lose a tooth. At 7 1/4, she's definitely the last among her friends to get a visit from the Tooth Fairy.

She had one that was a little wiggly. Yesterday, Nick's girlfriend, Ann, told her to keep working it hard. Two hours later, it was out! I was uninvolved and there was no blood! She was soooo very excited. The crisp dollar bill under her pillow the next morning was just icing on the cake.

(7/22)

Purple Belt

Master McDermott and C

C4 had a Tae Kwon Do test for his purple belt. He did such a great job...we're so very proud of him. He sparred very aggressively. He also had to read his 100 word essay in front of the whole class. He's excited about his new rank.

Faithful fan club

Big Boy Bed

Now that Trevor is two, it was time to get him out of the crib and into a big boy bed. We were blessed to be given a set of bunk beds. We spent some time debating how to best fit two sets of bunk beds in the boys' room, but it works. I jokingly refer to it as 'the dorm room'. I'm shocked that books have been written on the subject of transitioning your toddler from crib to bed. The first night we put Trevor in it (just as I did with the other 3), I told him to stay in his bed and go to sleep. That was that! Now I just have to get rid of that pacifier.

The Excellent Wife, chapter seventeen

This chapter dealt with conflict. Peace began by stating the obvious that within a marriage, conflict is inevitable. We then have a choice of how we deal with that conflict and come to resolution. If I want to be Excellent, I will strive to solve conflict biblically.

She listed 3 specific causes of conflict...selfishness, differentness, and righteousness. Selfishness is wanting our own way. I think we all get this. Differentness is simply wanting different things, having different needs, or just being different. You want to rent a romantic comedy, but he wants an action adventure. You want to spend your vacation on a Florida Beach. He wants to camp in the White Mountains. Righteousness has a deeper root. This has to do with moral issues, such as a conflict whether it's right or wrong to let your child watch a certain movie. Spouses need to submit to God's Word, being careful how they individually might interpret it.

Then she outlined 6 'Biblical Thoughts That Enhance Conflict Solving' and 4 'Attitudes Needed to Solve Conflict'. Curious? Reading through these, I felt like a total failure. Here's why:

#1 Humility. Nope, not me. I always think I'm right.

#2 Gentleness. "Gentleness incorporates tenderness and compassion. It is not hard, harsh, or sarcastic." Well that's a strike-out for me.

#3 Patience. Whoops! This is always a struggle.

#4 Forbearance. OK, maybe I've got this one. Sort of. This means putting up with your husband. Cut him some slack. But I'm so inconsistent.

So after reading, I'm totally challenged. When we have a fight, I'm so quick to lose my patience, act and speak harshly, demand that I'm right. None of which was mentioned as biblical ways to resolve conflict. I think for myself, it has to start with humility. It really isn't all about me and I am wrong sometimes.

One word was used over and over through the chapter. FORBEARANCE. It's what I expect Colombo to have for me, but am guilty of not being quick to provide it to him. If we could just learn to put up with each other; to do like Romans 3:25 and 'pass over sins previously committed', and Colossians 3:13 to 'bear with one another...whoever has a complaint against anyone.' I'm going to sow some more forbearance into my marriage.

I loved this chapter because I felt like I was handed a tool box. Conflict is inevitable, but now I can work on my attitude and strive to be Excellent.

Manners 101

Maddy's School of Dance

Madison gave Trevor a little tap tutorial. She got him dressed herself. If you remember Nathanael's last showcase, I think you'll be pleased with Trevor's costume.

Gramma's Cottage

We love going out to my Mom's lake house. It's part of what makes summer summer for us.

Look at thost tan lines!

BFF

The kids have spent hours in this canoe tied to the dock.

Back From Camp

Isaac, Noah, C4, Justin, Kevin (the '99 boys)

C4 just returned from 5 days at Kid's Camp. They went up to New Hampshire to some sort of conference center. He seemed to have a great time. I think he got a good taste for camp with lack of sleep, spray painted hair, cabins, bonfires, long hikes to the cafeteria, booby-trapping the LIT's cabin, and all the other camp fun.

I also know that he was fed very well spiritually. Kids are so open to the things of God. I remember for myself even just being so open to what God had for me. At camp the truth is poured into them. Kids lives are changed forever.

If you're curious, there are short videos from each day on youtube. Type in SNED Kids Camp 2008.

The Excellent Wife, chapter sixteen

This chapter was called "Communication, control of the wife's tongue". Peace laid out nine principles for communicating with your husband. I was so challenged by this chapter. Communicating with people in general is a very tricky art. And I know healthy communication within my marriage is important, but it seems like the most difficult thing to do. Emotions flare up. Feelings get hurt. And before we know it, there's a wall going up between us.

Good communication is vital to the relationship. But sometimes I get lazy about how I present my words. Sometimes we do the assuming thing, where I assume he'll know what I want to do for our anniversary. Or I'll assume he knows I'd rather not have company over. Miscommunicating like that can send us into a tailspin.

I know at times my delivery of my words is harsh and unkind. And honestly, my flesh just loves to be nasty sometimes. Point #7 was 'A wife is more likely to be heard if her speech is forbearing and sweet.' Peace quotes Proverbs 16:21, "By forbearance a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue breaks the bone." A soft tongue is a powerful tool. There's the power to heal or hurt. To encourage or crush. To lift up or put down. To give life or to kill.

This chapter was a nice breather from the topic of submission. She even included some practical tips like "Think through what you should say, then practice it out loud (alone). Concentrate on saying the words in a 'soothing' tone of voice. You may feel silly at first, but if you want to be godly you must be trained!"

This goes back to the the big picture of wanting to honor God. Healthy communication is a skill, it doesn't come naturally. It's another part of marriage that takes work and discipline. Some are willing to do that work, to give the other the benefit of the doubt, to speak kindly, to speak the truth. And of course point #1, 'A wife's wrong words begin with wrong thoughts and motives.'

That's the challenge!

4th of July

We spent the 4th of July weekend in Maine celebrating our freedom and thanking God for our great Nation. It had been an annual tradition, but we missed it last year because of Jonathan & Andrea's wedding (we forgave them) and we missed it the year before because I had just had Trevor.

We went to Shaun and Lisa's family cabin. The best thing about this place is there is nothing to do except relax. No t.v., no internet, no cell reception.

The kids totally enjoy it. They swim, play games, climb around in the loft, make s'mores, do sparklers...just have fun. I read for most of the time...a treat I don't indulge in at home.










On the night of the 4th, Nathan and Colombo paddled out in the canoe with a small fortune worth of fireworks (thanks, New Hampshire!) and gave us an incredible show for about 45 minutes. The only missing ingredient was the rowdy neighbors with their cowbell.




We snapped our traditional family picture on the 'ugly couch'.
It was such a great trip and we always appreciate the invitation.

Trevor Turns Two

6.29.08

My kids' birthdays are always bittersweet for me. On one hand I'm excited that they are growing and healthy and each stage seems to just get better, but on the other hand, I grieve over the ending of another year that has slipped away all too quickly. No matter how hard I try to live in the moment every day or snap pictures to capture the memory, or bury my face in my newborn's neck just to smell him, in the end I feel like want to freeze time and keep things just as they are.

So, I have this unintentional 'tradition' of going into their rooms on the eve of their birthday. I kneel by their crib or bed to watch them sleep and ball my eyes out. I pour my heart out thanking God for the gift He gave me and pray that I'll always remember 'this moment' as I watch their little chest rise and fall. I pray for their future, that God's hand of protection would be upon them. That they would be leaders and make good choices, that even now God would set the perfect spouse aside for them. The ritual seems to be just cleansing enough for me that I'm able to be happy and celebrate the next day. A friend once told me that you have to balance your grieving of the old stage with your excitement about the new one. So I try to keep that in mind.

Well, my baby is two! I have no idea how this happened so quickly. We celebrated in Virginia Beach. He woke up not feeling well...fever and cuddly. After a couple hours on the beach and a nice, long nap, he rallied for dinner at Waterman's. The waitress brought a sundae with two candles. We all sang. Although he'd had little to eat all day, the brownie and ice cream seemed to be fine with him.

So now as I grieve Trevor The Baby, I look forward to the fun of getting rid of the pacifier and diapers, switching to a big-boy bed and watching as he grows into an independent little guy.

Here's one stanza from the lullaby I've always sung to him:

Go to sleep my son

Go and chase your dreams

This world can wait for one more moment

Go and sleep in peace

Still not feeling great, but curious about the candles.

Trevor checks out his 'birthday book'.

"Back Then" family

These two are too much. They are "back then" people as they call it. They both got their hats at Sturbridge Village and they've been worth every penny. Madison figured out the rest of the wardrobe completely on her own. She also taught him how to tip his hat when a lady walks by. I have no idea where she gets this stuff!

Nathanael said, "Mom, guess what my name is."

Me: What?

Nathanael: John.

Me: Oh, that's a good "back then" name.

Madison: And my name is Andrea and our baby is Amy.

Later in the upstairs bathroom they were changing back into their modern-day clothes. I said, "You know, you guys should give each other privacy to get dressed." Nathanael said, "It's ok, Mom. I see Maddy in her underwear and she sees me in mine. We're fine."

Laughter for the Car Ride

So we're on our way to Maine for the 4th of July. With us is our 3 year old Golden Retriever, Gunner.

Nathanael: Mom, when is Gunner gonna get a wife?

Me: He doesn't need one.

Nathanael: Why?

Madison: He doesn't need one because they took a piece out of his body and he's not attracted to girls.

Laughter breaks out and relief sets in that this is the end of this conversation...for now.

The Excellent Wife, chapter fifteen

This chapter was titled "Honoring Christ" and the major theme throughout was...submission. I thought it was very similar to chapters 12 and 13. Now 2/3 of the way through the book, I'm realizing that Martha Peace titled her book, "The Excellent Wife" because the 'excellent' wife is the submissive wife. Perhaps if the title was "The Joy of Submitting" not as many would have sold. This is definitely not a popular subject in our culture today. This chapter contained 20 points on how a wife can honor Christ, all about submitting to your husband.

My desire is to honor Christ in everything...even my marriage. My heart is to obey God's Word. But because of our society and the paradigms I have, I even struggle with some of the principles in the book. It's not that I don't agree with them, it's just difficult to be as selfish as I am by nature AND be submissive. They don't work well together. Point #16 in this chapter said, "Any time you submit to your husband and it is not what you would have preferred, you are sacrificing self for obedience to God.

And I loved point #15, "A wife can be motivated to be submissive in the 'big things' by being faithful in the 'little things'. Here she writes, "It is with the little things that your husband will likely know if you are really being submissive or not. Others may never know, but your husband will, and God will." I tried to think of 'little ways' I could be submissive.

• While driving, I can let him go his way without arguing that my route is quicker.
• When he wants to go the gym at 5:00, I do not need to express (again) how it makes getting dinner ready inconvenient.
• When he wants to go to lunch with a friend, I can let him go freely and enjoy it, instead of making him feel guilty about spending the time and money.

In her summary, Peace reminds that our main motivation should always bring glory to God. I was discussing this chapter with my husband. I was telling him that this whole book is about submission. He told me that his submission to Christ in the most important thing in his Christian walk. Daily laying down his crown and surrendering himself to the lordship of Christ is what keeps him straight in his Christian walk. He also said that my submission to him as a husband motivates him to want to be submissive to Christ.

Washington D.C.

We spent 4 1/2 hours in our nation's capitol trying to squeeze in as much as we could. We were very proud to be Americans and to walk the same streets our forefathers walked. It felt especially patriotic as they adorned the city with flags and prepared certain areas for 4th of July festivities. We started on Capitol Hill...what a gorgeous and huge building! We worked our way down through a sculpture garden, where we could stick our toes in a beautiful fountain. Then on to the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History. The kids were amazed by the life-like displays of animals from all over the world and a section devoted to dinosaurs. From there we marched on to the Washington Monument. We crossed at Madison Street to get to it.
It's very tall and skinny, but surprisingly big at the base. We all touched it. Across the Mall we could see the Lincoln Memorial, although we decided not to have the kids walk that much further. Next time.On to the White House. Nathanael was very concerned if President Bush was home or not. He just wanted to know. We waved just in case he was in the Oval Office looking out his window.As we worked our way through the city, Nathanael desperately needed a bathroom. We ducked into a hotel. It turned out to be one of the top 3 nicest bathrooms I've ever been in. Fresh orchids, privacy stalls going all the way from the floor to the ceiling, the nicest paper towels and a powdering area.We spared the kids the walk back to the car and opted for the adventure of taking the Metro back...at rush hour. One nice lady filled me in on metro etiquette. Apparently you're supposed to stand to the right, moving and passing on the left and I went down the escalator with the stroller on the left. We switched trains once. The doors closed on the stroller. I had to yank poor TJ out and wait for the next one. We did get back, though and grabbed dinner in Union Station before hitting the road again. Hopefully many more memories made.

Virginia Beach pictures

So this was the reason for the trip:

My mom is standing 3rd from the right. Next to her is her sister, Bonnie. Standing in the back in yellow is their brother Mark. There were 24 in total, missing of course is Tim and family. That would make 28- 'all because two people fell in love'. Once upon a time my grandmother ran off and eloped with a my grandfather, 16 years her senior. Although they both died prematurely in our summation, the fruit of their time together lives on.

"For the Lord is good and his love endures forever, his faithfulness through all generations." Psalm 100:5

First cousins, clockwise is me, Johnny, Melody, Joy, Lisa, Charity and Bethany.The new batch of cousins.

The view from our room and a Promise from God.

Nathanael learned to swim on the first day there.

Two different days we saw a school of dolphins swim by.