The thought of sitting to journal my thoughts of the last couple of months seems daunting, but I need to. I need to summarize all my feelings and pictures into one place to process and I also want to 'memorialize' this time. I want to remember the change of season for our family, the outpouring of love from our community of friends and family, and the faithfulness of God in it all. In this post, you'll see screen shots from others. Some people far more articulate than me managed to grasp what my heart was/is feeling and put it into eloquent words. It may seem fragmented and mish-moshy, but here it goes...
November 2017
Maddy found The Launch program.
Maddy visited a workshop in NY to meet the director face-to-face.
Maddy applied to the program.
We spent those few weeks talking to everyone who would listen to gain perspective, wisdom, advice.
My heart began to beat fast. What if? What if things change? What if she leaves?
December 2017
Maddy was accepted into The Launch for the 2018-2019.
I grew increasingly aware and worried that tides were changing for the DiSalvatore family.
April 2018
We (Colombo, Maddy, and myself) flew to California to visit the program and interview the directors. I went in search of red flags. One, really. I needed ONE red flag to shut the whole thing down and keep my girl on the east coast. After our very first morning and meeting with the directors, Colombo and I sat outside on the patio of a little restaurant for lunch and I lost it! Cried and cried, knowing that The Launch was exactly where she needed to be. Even 6 months later, I can distinctly remember that seat, those feelings, those tears. It was sort of traumatic to think, "Wow! Here we go...things are really going to change for our little family."
On our flight home, we were laid over somewhere and I opened my Instagram. My sweet sister, Lisa, who has a knack for card writing, note writing, empathizing, and 'being there' had sent me this post of an account she follows. Again, I lost it. Right there in the airport, crying like a baby. But it was the start of understanding that I wasn't alone in my mama feelings and like it or not, this is part of parenthood. (not pictured is a mother standing with her college freshman daughter)
For the next 5 months, I grieved. That's the only way I can describe it. And I don't want that to sound overdramatic. Not like one grieves the death of a loved one, but more like a slow grieve, little by little. I struggled through all the "lasts"- her last LightsUp performance, her last competition, her last recital, her last night at youth group and on and on and on. Waves of tears would come- sometimes over very weird things as the time of her leaving would tick closer and closer. Nearly every time I'd hear one of her past studio dance number songs would come on, my eyes would fill with tears. Then the goodbyes began. That was hard. She had to say goodbye to her students, grandparents, church leaders, friends. Somewhere in that time span, over the summer, I came across this post (from a stranger), another reminder that things do change. That even though my heart was hurting, I needed to be happy for what is.
Sunday, Sept. 9th- We hosted a casual little Open House for people to come through and say goodbye. This day was beautiful. The most beautiful souls came through our home to wish her well, give hugs, and drop cards and gift cards. Many came because they are 'my' people, 'my' community. They love us and have watched Maddy grow up and desired to support me, but the most impactful part of the day was seeing that most people who came, came for Maddy. They know her, they love her, and she has successfully created a community of beautiful souls who choose to stand and cheer for her. It was really beautiful and moving.
I did o.k. for most of the day. I had just decided that it wasn't my day to cry. I held up strong all day until James said his goodbye. He lost it, then Maddy lost it, then I lost it. We are just so very fortunate to have such wonderful people in our lives. Gratitude seems way too weak of a word. Maddy has forged some strong, rich relationships, many with people older than her who just poured into her life and showed her so much love. One precious gift was from a dance mom who had made her a journal with dance pictures from over the years. The time, love, and effort that went into just blew us both away.
At that point, with only a few days to go, I sort of felt like, "OK, enough of this! Let's just hurry up and leave already and rip the bandaid!" Sometimes the anticipation is worse the actual.
Wednesday, Sept. 12th- I cried all the way home from the gym that morning, not wanting it to be her last day home.
That night, our family-just the 8 of us- went to Outback, 'cause that's what we do. Those round tables there have hosted some sweet life moments for our family. Lots of birthdays, tons of laughter, and so many happy memories made.
I won't lie. It was brutal. Just brutal. I mean, dinner was nice enough. We laughed. But as it wrapped up, things got very emotional. Renna cried, then I cried. Then I wanted a picture and all the silliness began again.
She's just so lovely in every way!
Make good decisions. Don't talk to girls. But if you do, give me their Instagram handles so I can stalk them. And make the varsity hockey team. At least the 4th line. Or water boy.
Thursday, Sept. 13th- We got up super early the next day to catch our flight and all morning our phones blew up with notes of love and encouragement and wishes for a safe trip. Too many notes from too many people to include here. It was seriously so humbling that anyone remembered the day of our departure or thought to send a note. It was overwhelming.
"If I'm remembering correctly, today is the day you and Maddy head to California. Big Day. Friend, I am thinking of you, praying for you, and cheering for you. May you feel peace about what lays ahead for Maddy and for your whole family and comfort in the moments of how very hard this is. You have prepared her well, and you will always be her home. Love and hugs and strength to you. We can do hard things." MB
"Thinking of you and praying for you this week and today especially as you head west. May your time together be a sweet blessing." EB
"Good luck today, Cuz. All will be well!" JB
"...we're thinking of you all. Hope you're hanging in there and feeling all the good, rich feels- especially proud of and thankful for your girl and her light, and the chance she has to shine it for others. She is ready. You guys have prepared her so well and given her the wind her wings need to soar. We love you all! Big hugs and love." AM
"I've been thinking about you and your family getting ready to send Maddy off to California. I know it's gonna be so hard.for you all and that a big piece of your hearts will go with her. Our prayers are going with her, too, that she will thrive in her new environment, that she will feel the Lord's presence with her to keep her safe and strong, that she will learn and grow in her gifts, and that she knows how much she will be missed while she's away. We love her and you all." LV
I could go on and on and on. Here are some more pictures from her move in with her roommate Sage, and then a letter I emailed to family from Cali, raw and unedited.
9.16.18
Seems like I’m always sending these updates when I’m away. I guess that’s because a) I have time to sit, collect my thoughts, and put those to paper, and b) something noteworthy is going down!
So, hello from Balboa Island!
Maddy and I left on Thursday morning. Before we had even left Hartford, we both began receiving a days-long string of messages; people expressing their love and best wishes. By the time we landed in Detroit at 7:30a for our layover, both of our phones were just blowing up. And so were our hearts. I couldn’t believe how many (even some very random) people remembered Thursday was the day, and took the time to write a note that they were thinking of us. Honestly it was just so touching and so humbling.
Travel was easy, cheesy. Renee Dellar (Colombo’s business coach’s wife / our friend) picked us up from the airport, settled us into her place, and tossed us the keys to Rick’s car so we could start the hunt to find a car for Maddy. From 11a until about 8p, we crushed Orange County Craigslist. It was such an emotional day.. Happy, disappointed, hopeful, crushed, worried, relieved, stressed, giddy, hangry…like a roller coaster! We had spent HOURS the previous week searching for cars, making appointments, printing out posts. But by Thursday, everything had either sold was no longer an option, so we were back to square one. Our search leaked into Friday, but by 2:00, we had found a car, had a LIST of stories, and some memories neither of us will ever forget! A lovely little Mexican family on a goat farm happily took our cash and Maddy got a great little car out of it. (I’ll attach a picture). So glad that piece is behind us!
We were so busy and distracted with the car thing the first couple days, I hadn’t really been alone with my thoughts. But Friday night hit hard. Well, Wednesday night was hard. We had gone to dinner as a family and it was so hard to sit around that round table with my people and think of the scope of change upon us. Watching Maddy say goodbye to her sister and brothers and dad was just heart-wrenching.
So Friday my mind started again. Thinking. Grieving. I got up early and went to Crossfit Saturday to try to feel better. It didn’t help.
Saturday we moved her into her new home. This family, this house, this situation is a dream! I cannot thank God enough for His provision in this piece of it. Gina (mom) is amazing and normal and lovely. Her liscence plate is HAPYLIF. She keeps a beautiful home and is so attentive to the girls. I’m so, so grateful for her. (…and a little threatened. Hahaha) I told Maddy she’s getting a huge mom upgrade.
I picked her up today (Sunday) to hang out with me and Renee and the kids again. We went for a boat ride around Balboa Island, had lunch at the Beach club, and went to a street festival. Thank God for Rick and Renee. They have really bonded with Maddy, are 1/2 hour away, and would move heaven and earth to do anything to help her in her journey. What a God-send!
And then I took her back to drop her off. We stood outside her house on the street and I couldn’t help but let the tears come. I told her my kids have been my life for 20 years and I just don’t want it to change. I told her that I would miss her. Miss her help. Miss her friendship. Miss her presence and sweet spirit around the house. I told her to not change. I told her she’s perfect the way she is and to NOT change. I told her it’s ok if she isn’t like the others. Probably better to not be like the others. I told her not to compromise and to remember who she is and Whose she is. I told her I loved her. I held her tight. I smelled her hair. And then I watched my first beautiful daughter in her little yellow sundress walk up the front steps and into her future.
I’m happy for her. I really am. And I’m 100% at peace with everything. It just feels like the most unnatural thing in the entire world. To let go. In between sobbing down 55 South, I reminded myself that she isn’t even mine. She is a gift on loan to me. A gift I am so ridiculously undeserving of.
I intended this to be an update on everyone and an update on our family, but this has already been long enough. And therapeutic! Thanks for listening and caring and loving. Even now, Sunday evening, mine and Maddy’s phones keep dinging… wishing her good luck tomorrow and encouraging me and my crushed mama heart. Uncle Lee reminded me to just float. Just flip over onto my back and float for a while. So that’s the plan for now.
I’ve considered the ways in which maybe it’d work for us to relocate. Perfect weather, no humidity, no bugs…. But in the end, I could never trade People for Palm tress, and this weekend has been sweet evidence of a wonderful community of cheerleaders.
Much love to you all!
Xoxoxo Amy
PS…there are two great Instagram accounts to follow if anyone cares to watch her in the program over the next few months. kbmtalent and launchbreaspace and officialmaddydisalvatore
PPS...Maddy's roommate is Sage from Mobile Alabama and totally reminds Maddy of Juliet!
* * * * *When my plane took off on Tuesday, and I had to sit alone and LEAVE MY GIRL BEHIND, I cried. I cried because some of my heart was ripped out. I cried because I was going to desperately miss my sweet girl. I cried because this is a scary world to let one go into. But I cried mostly because of the change. The way it's been for 20 years- me, home with my kids- is changing. And I just don't want it to. They're slipping from my grip and I don't like it. I'm not afraid of her being gone for this year, I'm afraid she will settle and stay!
A couple weeks later, Lisa sent me another post that resonated. (Not pictured is a couple about my age with their early teen daughter)
People continued to check in with me over the next days and weeks, and honestly I have to say I was in better shape than before I dropped her. To some extent, the anticipation was FAR worse than the reality. I don't cry nearly as often. Two days after I got home I came across some of her laundry and got teary, but mostly, we've settled into a new rhythm without her. The hole she left is HUGE. We all miss her desperately. Renna had difficulty adjusting. Every night became a tearful negotiation to either sleep in my room or for me to sleep in her bed. She's never slept alone. She misses Mama. I decided to make Thursday nights my night to start in her bed with her, that way she doesn't need to ask every night; she can just look forward to Thursday. We watch OutDaughtered (the Quints) and snuggle. One day Renna brought me her plastic container with 27 dollars and asked how much a plane ticket to California was.
We all miss her in our own ways and we all feel the void without her here. (From C to M, all on his own)
Frequent videos and pictures on social media and daily FaceTime conversations have made the distance manageable. She's there, which by the way, is pretty dang awesome. These 20 kids- they are 20 of the very best and Maddy is THERE!!! She's chasing her dreams and that is flipping awesome!
I try hard to remember that people do this all.the.time. Kids grow up and leave for college or the military. This is how it's supposed to be even though it feels wildly unnatural. I've beat myself up for the ways I have not supported friends who have had to do the same with their kids. I haven't 'checked in' with moms after they've their kid has left. I suppose it's one of those things that you really cannot appreciate until you've walked it. The support we've received over the last 5 weeks is humbling and completely undeserved. I'll do better going forward.
When I stepped into the house from the airport, my sweet Meg had left a pumpkin bread and bottle of wine on the counter for me. Two days later, my best girls threw me a back porch Girls' Night complete with gifts. Another friend scooped me up and treated me to my first NFL game. One of my Crossfit coaches / friend gifted me with 2 JetBlue vouchers for a FREE trip to visit! One for me, one for Renna (she doesn't know!). I mean...who does that??!! Uncle Lee texts me weekly for an update on my mama heart. Dozens and dozens of people have sent texts and notes. Fringe people who are not even close to us continue to mail cards; still 5 weeks later. Maddy receives care packages sent with tons of love and thought from her youth leaders and other friends and family. People care and love and it means so much. I know there is an army praying for her and that is so reassuring.
Maddy's done so much already in 5 weeks. She's created great rapports with her host family, the program directors, and the other dancers. She found a church and a bagel spot for after church. She's met with the director about starting a small group Bible study. She has traveled to Las Vegas (3 hours). She has plans to co-lead a program for special needs kids at the studio. She crushed her first audition in L.A. She loves Ballroom classes, which she'd never taken before. She is thriving and growing and Brea is the best place for her this year.
So here's to changing seasons. Here's to doing hard things. Here's to community and God's faithfulness in it all. There's just is no way to express the gratitude I have. People have just gone above and beyond expectation, obligation, or even what is right and necessary. Big, huge love from all sides, even really random, unexpected corners. My heart is full even though a piece of it resides in Cali for the time being.
2 comments:
Man!!! So teary over here! I'm so glad you got all that documented...what a story of God's faithfulness! From the program itself and all Maddy is already getting out of it to all the wonderful ways people have shown up. And it's not over yet!
All the tears, all the hugs, all the love.
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